Desantis Assures Trump- Yes, The Alligators Have Frickin Laser Beams Attached to Their Heads
In a surprising development at the White House, sources close to the administration have confirmed that President Trump has shifted his focus from his long-standing dream of deploying sharks with laser beams to a new aquatic defense strategy involving mutant alligators. The initiative, reportedly inspired by a recent incident dubbed “Alligator Alcatraz” in Florida, where a group of unusually aggressive alligators was found terrorizing a local prison island, has raised eyebrows among environmental and military experts. According to an unnamed aide, the president was informed, “President Trump, it’s about the sharks; when you weren’t President, they were put on the endangered species list, we tried to get some but it would have taken months to clear up the red tape.” Undeterred, Trump reportedly responded, “You know I have one simple request and that is to have sharks with freaking laser beams attached to their heads; now evidently my cyclopic colleague informs me that that can’t be done—uh, can you remind me what I pay you people for?”
Faced with bureaucratic hurdles, the administration pivoted to a more accessible option, leading to the creation of what officials are calling the “Laser-Alligator Defense Unit.” These alligators, genetically modified in a classified facility, are equipped with state-of-the-art laser technology mounted on their heads, a project that has been described as both innovative and controversial. During a closed-door meeting, the president inquired, “Honestly, throw me a bone here—what do we have?” to which an advisor replied, “Alligators.” After a pause, Trump reportedly asked, “Right… they are mutated alligators, really? Are they ill-tempered?” The response, a confident “Absolutely,” has sparked speculation about the temperament of these creatures, with some suggesting their aggressive nature could rival the ill-tempered mutant sea bass famously referenced in earlier administration discussions.
The deployment of these laser-equipped mutant alligators is now under review, with plans to station them along key coastal borders as a deterrent to unauthorized maritime activity. Critics argue that the move violates international wildlife protection agreements, while supporters claim it represents a bold step in national security innovation. The “Alligator Alcatraz” incident, where the animals were observed snapping at prison guards with uncanny precision, has been cited as proof of their potential, though no official statement has confirmed the lasers’ effectiveness in combat scenarios. As the administration prepares to unveil this unorthodox strategy, the public remains divided—some questioning its feasibility, others wondering if it’s a satirical twist on modern governance that has gone unnoticed until now.
